5/15/T/01

1. Introductions

Inspired by Shanin’s online Diary, here is the advent of Sanna’s Online Diary. Am I copying? Probably. Imitation is, after all, the highest form of flattery. Of course, she’s always wondering, does anyone read hers? And with the so fewer hits my page gets, probably no one -- except maybe Shanin herself, GBHS -- will ever read this.

But I do it anyway. How magnanimous of me. Or self-centered, either one.

Or maybe it’s just a way to chart the passing of time, something I’ve become minorly obsessed with in the past few... uh... time incriments. I don’t know how many, really. In sixth grade, I found a magazine that described a few skimpy details about the fourth dimension; I’ve spent the six years since thinking about it, theorizing about it, making little models of hypercubes... I have one, too. I sat on it, about four months ago. I was sad. Angry, actually, but this is beyond the point. I am a recently former high school student -- I can’t say graduate just yet, because I have yet to walk the plank, er, ceremony -- who is suddenly realizing that she Just Got Used to being in the public school system, or maybe she’d been used to it for quite some time now, and at any rate, she doesn’t quite want out of it yet. It’s just a sign that she’s getting older. And suddenly, she’s remembering all the Old People who used to tell her, “Treasure this time you have; when it’s gone, you don’t get it back.” Has she wasted some of the best years of her life?

And so, in an attempt to waste no more, she ... sits in front of her computer and types.

How magnanimous of me. Or hypocritical, either one.

I went to Noodles today. It’s a wonderful Italian food restaurant... and I have stuffed myself, more than I ought to have. Bad Sanna.

Bad Sanna. Good Sanna. Why does the word ‘bad’ look more like it belongs in front of my name than ‘good’?? I’m a good girl!!

I am. Really. Marcus, shut your mouth. I am.

Oh, that was a good idea, mentioning Marcus. Well, Hamlet comes, and Hamlet goes. Bye, Hamlet.

Did I mention I love Shakespeare? I love Shakespeare. Can’t accurately type his name the first time around to save my life, but I love his writings. Hamlet; the Scottish play Macbeth (I’m not superstitious... pardon me whilst I open my umbrella and walk under this conveniently placed ladder...); Much Ado About Nothing; Midsummer Night’s Dream; Twelfth Night; and, if I ever understand it, As You Like It. Mostly comedies, the two best tragedies. Well, I’ve also read King Lear and Tempest, didn’t get diddly, except the greatest anger quote of all time: “You taught me language, and my profit on’t / Is, I know how to curse!” Caliban, one two. Ooh, reminds me, to post my anti-swearing ‘essay’ (or at least I’ll refer to it as my ‘If you’re going to demand this (insane) right, at least be responsible!’ ‘essay’) here, somewhere... I need reorganization... desperately.

Speaking of reorganization.... and this is a long first entry...

A bit about me.

My name is Sanna. No, actually, it’s not, but it’s the name I go by. No, actually, only one person has ever called me that to my face (J216). But you may call me Sanna. (‘After all, ‘alle Menschen sind Untertanen.’’ Not really, I promise.) I am old enough to vote, which means I have to fool people into thinking I voted for Buchannon. They ask me, ‘Really?’ and I say, ‘No,’ and they say, ‘Why did you say you did?’ and I say, ‘Because there are three things in this world that I hate more than politics, and they are pink, yellow, and spiders!’

Yes, I hate politics. I am not an anarchist, just... severely independant. Moving along...

I am not, as of yet, old enough to drink. And even if I were, I wouldn’t. I hate the taste of alcohol. Pointless waste of money and brain and liver cells. Wait, I said I was going to graduate high school soon, therefore, guess my age. If you’re right... you’ll never really know. What else about me? I plan on majoring in Drama, or Creative Writing, or Comp Programming with emphasis on Web Programming, or English as a Second Language in a non-primarily English speaking country. Like, Germany. Or Japan. Or Germany. I love Berlin.

JMS, hire me!

I love Babylon 5. I love Star Trek (Voyager!!). I love Star Wars, but not so much Ep 1. We’ll see if Lucasifer can redeem hiself with Ep 2. Eps 4, 5, 6, I loved. 1... no.

I wish to act for a scifi series, or write for a scifi series, or be a reference editor for a scifi series (preferrably one of the three mentioned above). Or just sit and write web pages all day, and dance around in the evenings. Yes, I am one of those people that dance, ballet-ish style, around their houses. The chicks in the dorms will just love me, I know it.

I have played the oboe for six years, and I was First Chair, First Band at All Region my senior year. Yay! I have marched in the Jr High and High School Marching Bands for six years, and was a member of the flag line for the last five. I was Flag Captain my senior year, also. I sound like I’m writing on my college applications again. Well, I tolerate no slacking on my part, when I set my mind to it.

I was introduced to the Net --properly-- right after eighth grade. I’ve been ameturely programming since then. Yeah, I know this page doesn’t look like it, but I just need some time to get my act together. This page is a little more recent than five years.

I’ve been writing Voyager fanfic since November 19, 1999. I’ve been watching Voyager since September 1999. Soon, we’re going to find out if they get home.... yay! I’ve been watching Babylon 5 since... March 2000, or thereabouts. I know it took me almost seven months to get to season two, but after then... roller coaster! It’s an awesome series. Anyone who likes Star Trek should definately check out B5. And watch them In Order. But enough on that. For now.

Well, now that this is almost two full pages, this first, horrendously verbose entry will end.

Live Long and Prosper, yall.
Faith Manages.

5/17/H/01

2. Graduation Adulations

Okay, not really ‘adulations,’ because that has a worshipping connotation, but sure.

I’m graduating in two days!!!

I finished my Shakespeare-based final Lit paper. I wrote the whole thing in one night, 1500 words. Don’t do things like that. I wish I had had another day to work on it. Well, it is what it is, and it is done.

My cousin’s coming in today... we go to pick her up at the airport soon. Really, I should be getting out the door, but Grandmom’s brushing her teeth, so I have just a little time.

Can’t wait to get the greatest of all grad presents -- my new comp! Whatever it is, it’ll be cool, I’ll make sure of that. It’ll be mine, and I’ll take goooooood care of it.

Ahhhh... talked to Marcus yesterday. Shouldn’t have done that. He’s warned me about all the college guys, esp the frat boys. I guess I need warning; I am massively naive where men are concerned. Why do you people have to be so complicated??? So I’m in an apprehensive mood because of that, and it keeps trying to spill over into my good grad mood.

Well, faith manages.

6/1/F/01

3. Ramblings of a Perhaps-Sane Woman

Watched B5 today, for the first time since late season two. It was A Late Delivery From Avalon, midway through season three. I miss Marcus. I miss both Marcuses (what’s the plural? Marcii?), but that’s beyond the point.

When my cousin was here, I took her to see Marcus -- my Marcus -- for just a minute. He was hilarious. Talked in all manner of accents, and bowed, English one-legged style, to us right before we left. She couldn’t stop talking about it! ‘That is how men ought to be,’ she said, ‘bowing to us as if we are queens.’ If he had heard that, I knew he would have said, ‘Ah, ma’dear, but you are...’ in that beautiful Irish of his....

I graduated. I’m done. I’m gone. Why is the word ‘done’ pronounced ‘dunn’, but ‘gone’ is synonimous with ‘John’? Strange language, English.

It’s been two weeks since I graduated. I need to get better about writing some in this every day. If for no other reason than I need to keep a journal, I just need to not let this summer slip away...

I’m not getting a comp of my own this month, Dad said. Durn. Well, we got a better modem and more memory (88 instead of 24... is memory measured in ram?), so this one is suddenly not so horrendous. I still don’t have a graphics program, so my page will be crud for a while yet.

Hungry... need to email Shanin back. So, with my entry for today done, I shall return, tomorrow.

Faith manages. Never forget that.

6/4/M/01

4. Forget-Me-Not

Of course I have something to write about!! I had a date!

Actually, this date was a while ago. Over a week, in fact. A week before my last entry.

His name is Michael. Big surprise there; Michaels have a tendancy to turn up a lot in my life, in significant places. Ironic, isn’t it. Maybe. Anyway, we went and saw ‘A Knight’s Tale’ -- save your money, go see ‘Pearl Harbor’ -- and then went to a coffee shop, because a friend’s jazz band was supposed to be playing. Well, the shop double-booked, and since the other band got there first, his friend’s band went home. But we stayed anyway. I got hot Chai. Chai is awesome; it’s spiced tea, with ginger and honey, and then mixed half and half with warm milk. It settles in your stomach, though; be careful. And then the place kinda slowed waaaaaaay down at 10, but the people didn’t kick us out or anything, so we decided to go anyways, and save them the trouble. Michael went up and said, ‘I have a couple of drinks to pay for,’ and the lady said, ‘Well, the money drawer just left, so, they’re on me.’ We said, ‘wow, thanks!’ and left. First good first date I’ve had since... ever. I’d have called him, except his cousin came in, and he pretty much said I would not want to meet him. But that was over a week ago, so I guess I’ll call him now...

What else? Oh, I’m beginning to build the Storykeeper’s Second Sanctuary, or S3. Since the other one died on, what, January 21st, it’s been over 4 months, and I miss it. And Shanin does, too. I think we all do. So, I know that mine won’t be quite a cool (at least initially), but with a little faith and some Perl, it will work. How ‘bout a lot of Perl?

Perl scares me.

More on that later.

6/7/H/01

5. Rememberances of a Sanctuary

Well, V’Ger is on board for the S3 idea. For a grand total of three. Hey, three SKs, S3. Perl looks a lot like C. And sed, and awk, and other languages that I have never heard of before. Who names a language ‘sed’? The non-Net side of programming is beginning to scare me badly. Javascript, Perl, CGI apps, Java, ACK! Brain pain.

If I come out of this non dain bramaged, I will be happy. I will be estatic.

Back to the Sanctuary stuff. If people will pay $10 a year, that’d be great. Heck, if someone just wanted to mail a $5 bill to CM, c/o Sanna, that’d be really great, too! I really am pumped about this... yay! I went looking at domains through NetworkSolutions.com. S3.tv is open... that has a cool ring. ‘Ess-three-dot-tee-vee.’ Or maybe S3.cc. Whichever the vote passes.

If I ever understand Perl, I will make a Perl tutorial, and post it on the web. I know what I will call it. And I’m not telling, so no one will copy me. Of course, I have to understand it first. Ack.

Okay, I am determined to put something serious in this entry. But I’m not in a serious frame of mind. I’m just not serious. I’m not silly today, just... tired. Maybe. You know what? I have to remember to email my friend about her HTML tutorials. I’m teaching her the basics, one tag concept at a time.

Mmm... shaved ice and Kool-aid. Yum. Odd, but yum.

I’m in a fragmented mood today. Trying to listen to something on television that’s Really Pretty, and think about this too. And maybe formulate a story. ‘Restless Warrior.’ A charactor study of Chakotay? Hm... Well, if so, it’s stored here, and will probably fall into the deep recesses of my brain.

I saw Tron this weekend. Bruce Boxleitner. Heeheehee! Old, low-quality graphics, occasional bad acting (but never by Boxleitner!), unanswered questions, and strange little plotholes.

6/8/F/01

6. Lazy-tail and Too-Deep Thoughts

Well, I still haven’t gotten to write any email. It’s been three days, and no email. Sara called, and said she had sent me some; I have no idea if Shanin’s written yet. She often waits till I write back from the last email, and I can’t recall if I did or not.

In short, I’m having a lazy summer. Oh, I forgot to go get my schedual from work for next week. Oh, well.

And I didn’t finish my last entry! Durn... I am lazy. Lazy-tail Sanna. Well, it’s summer. I just graduated high school. I can be lazy if I wanna! Well, maybe. Okay, I just called work, and they told me I have no hours. None for this week and none for next week. Odd, odd, odd. Or, in the words of Tron, ‘Stranger and stranger.’ *Cracks up laughing* Okay, SOMEbody’s having WAY too much fun with this... heehee!

Well, what else? I still am scared of Perl -- if I say this enough times, I really will never learn the language --, I haven’t gotten on the Net today -- but I suppose I could now, no one’s home --, and I don’t know what I want to do in college. Or life. Why do I always have to look at the big picture? Why can’t I ever just shut my eyes and enjoy the silence?

Hm... I suppose I could use this diary thing to start answering some questions I’ve been meaning to answer. Beginning with, ‘Who am I?’ This is a Babylon 5 thing; there are anywhere from 4 to 7 to 10 questions, depending on how you count them, and they all have their Askers and their Forces. I’ll hunt up my file of the questions, and stick em up here next time. For the time being, all that is needed to be known is that the first question is Who Am I and that is it a Force of Introspection.

Now, where in my mind did I file that file?

Okay, here’s a copy of my attempt to answer this question as of:
“December 3, Sunday, 2000

Who am I?

Sanna.
Wrong answer. Who am I?

Sanna.
Repetition of wrong answers will be punished. Who am I?

I am a student who wishes she was not a student in the sense that she is now enrolled in school. On the other hand, I recognize that the school gives me the boundaries by which I must now order my life. I just wish they were lines in sand, rather than brick-and-mortar walls. I want to color outside of the lines, if I so choose.

I am a dreamer of impossible dreams and delusions of grandeur. I know I have such delusions, and still I cannot stop. Such delusions have gotten me into trouble with my own sense of morality (what appears to be left) and with God. Some have been taken care of. Some still haunt me. I have such delusions because I cannot believe I am anything less, yet I know I am less than a grain of sand. Such realizations haunt me, and cause the delusions.

The impossible dreams. These may well be classified as masked delusions. I want -- oops. I'm not there yet, dangit. But these dreams... I want them badly, but I know that if they were to be satisfied now, it would cast a great shadow over my life. On the other hand, I fear that if I do not pursue every chance I have at attaining them, they will slip away, and never be more than dreams.

I am scared. I am scared of what is, what will be, what might be, what might not be... I am scared of what I am. I am scared of what I am not. I have displays of emotion that frighten”

And that’s as far as I got. Hm... I wonder if I should put ^this^ up here, out on the Net like this. This seems to certainly be a parsing away of the outer layer of the paper mache facade I wear.

‘A dreamer of impossible dreams and delusions of grandeur.’ Would this perhaps forshadow my semi-obsession with creating S3? *L* Mayhaps. Now, the ‘displays of emotion that frighten [me]’, I’m not sure what that was referring to. *Shrug*

No, no, I can’t shrug this away. Hm... if anyone’s reading this, have I scared you yet? I’ve scared me too, a little. It’s a feeling you get used to, being mildly crazy. ^_^. There, another adjective. Crazy. I am crazy. Not really, certifiably, institutionally crazy, just... slipping a little. I have definately slacked off in the three short weeks I’ve been out of school. Has it really been only three? Lemme check. No. Four weeks ago today was my last day of school. Strange. Stranger and stranger. Shoot, the time is beginning to fly. Here’s my way of compensating. This diary. You’re a brave soul if you’ve read this far, and you’re braver still if you read any farther.

6/12/T/01

7. Tired.

I get to go retrieve my diploma tomorrow from high school. I went to the band room today, to try and return some stuff, but the directors weren’t there, so I just walked through a few hallways. I almost cried. It’s still so real to me, as if I were going back at the end of summer. I guess I just don’t deal with major change that well.

Dad won’t let me download the main Perl module so I can learn how to write it (or ‘hack’ it, as it seems to be called). I’m creating the HTML tutorial thing, to help others learn how to code. And, as always, the diary continues.

I need to write. I had an idea, but it seems to still be fermenting some. Time passes. Faith manages. I will write coherent, non-rambling, non-stream-of-conciousness stuff... someday.

I’m contemplating renaming the site. I had an epiphany (that was a long time in coming!) that it was remarkably self-centered of me to name my site after myself. Therefore, I’ve been casting about to find a good name. So far, I’ve come up with ‘Starstuff’ and ... oops, I forgot the other one. Starstuff came about because my mother asked me last night, ‘So, when are you going to be through with all of this?’ I was confused, and asked, ‘All of what?’ ‘All of this, you know, star-stuff.’ I laughed, thinking she meant ‘star’ as in ‘famous person’, because at the time, I was reading a movie magazine (not an activity I frequently engage in; this is why I laughed). ‘Star stuff?’ I asked. She replied, ‘You know, space, aliens, all of, that stuff.’ Meaning my former addictions to things like Star Wars, and the current ones like Star Trek and Babylon 5. I laughed again, and said, ‘Nope, not any time soon.’ But it got me to thinking.

Starstuff... we are the stuff stars are made of.
*Shakes head* Too generic. But I do need a new name. *Sigh*

Ooh... somebody from the military is visiting my site!! And doing so a lot... thanks, whoever you are! Wow, though... for some reason, that’s really cool. When people from government servers start coming, I suppose I should be scared, hunh?

That’s all I can think of for now. I need to email Shanin back! Augh. Too tired, too lethargic. Barely managed to post this today.

FM, everyone. Just remember.

7/3/T/01

8. Estatic!!!

Happy happy happy happy! Yesterday I registered for SannaSK.com!!! I have my own domain!!! Whoohoo!!!! Extreme happyness!!! Champaigne! No, just kidding there. But still very happy!

*Exhales* Whoooo... that's hard work, being estatic. I don't think that's quite how you spell it. Oh, well.

Oh, and I found a name. IrgendAnders. It means SomeElse, as closely as I can translate it. See, in German, apparently you can make some interesting combinations. Like, we English speakers have the words 'someone' and 'somewhere', but I came across the German word 'irgendwann', or 'whenever', but literally, 'somewhen'. As in, ''When are we going to go see Atlantis?'' ''Whenever. Irgendwann.'' In English, we say 'someone else' or 'somewhere else', but in German, it goes to 'Jemand anders' and 'irgendwo anders'. So I took the 'irgend' and the 'anders' and stuck em together.

IrgendAnders. SomeElse.

Now, why didn't I get IrgendAnders.com? Simple: Sooner or later, I'll have to change. The title is temporary, the domain is rather permanent. I, on the other hand, am not going to abandon 'Sanna' any time soon. I've put work into creating this, and that much of me is not going to change. Well, not the name part, anyway.

Point being... HAPPY! PARTY!

The Fourth of July is tomorrow. As the Euros write it, 4.7.01. Forty-seven. Good days, good days. I'm always going to have happy memories associated with 7/2 now. 72 will become a lucky number. July the second, the birth day of my domain.

Has anything serious been going on in my life? Actually yes, and I'm afraid to talk about it. Literally. I think the fact that there are people who will tell me that I'm NOT going crazy due to this is scaring me as much as the actual events. I'll spill here, eventually, perhaps. I know it's not fun to be kept in the dark about secrets, but it's still too early in this diary thing to spill all my little things. I'll drop hints as I go along, how bout that? Or, if you know me well enough, email me in a couple of months and see what I've learned.

I got a domain! I got a domain! Happy happy happy!

Enough. Must get back to work. Must go put some money in meter. Tickets are bad.

Run, run, Sanna. Faith Manages.

7/13/F/01

9. Tiny Fridgy

Shanin said that when I told her I had gotten a fridge for my dorm. 'Tiny Fridgy!' So I've been trapsing around the house, occasionally sitting in front of my fridge, crooning 'Tiny Fridgy, Tiny Fridgy!' I'm officially almost-nuts.

It's been ten days since I put an entry in here. *sings* It's been, ten days since I wrote in here... next one will be a while away, I fear... *stops* Okay, I can't parody on the fly. Oops.

My Muse just might be returning. Soon, I hope. I cleaned up my room a whole lot (even though this has mothing to do with the Muse thought, I'm too lazy to make another paragraph). More papers to be thrown out. Throwing out old papers makes me sad. Some people collect coins; some people have clothes scattered all around their room. I collect old papers that have some significance to me, and they lay scattered all around my room. An odd form of symmetry. When they asked us the question about 'If you had to flee your home and take only what you could carry, what would you take?' I always answer, "One suitcase with clothes, one with as many binders as I could fit in, and my backpack, full of as many important papers as I can get in." (Binders, to me, signifies papers collected: all the papers in a given binder will be related to whatever they are. I have a binder with my poems, a binder with my notes for MoT, a binder with my story and notes for OJitNR (don't ask), etc. It's not just empty binders.) Oh, I forgot the books; I have at least two boxes of books I would not want to leave. In short, I can't leave my house. I have just too many papers.

This file is already over 25KB. Notepad just stopped me from editing it any further. *Shrug* Oh, well. I'll stop after the next entry. I'll keep it to 30KB per page. Courtesy. Then again, Shanin has 25 entries per page.
When am I going to start webdesigning for myself??

Wheeellll, that's all I can think of now. The meter's about to run out again, so I'd better wrap this up. A couple of entries ago, I mentioned a charactor sketch of Chakotay called 'Restless Warrior'. I had forgotten all about that. Shows how deep the 'dark recesses of my brain' really are. Gives new meaning to the phrase, 'Meditations on the Abyss.'

For unknown reasons, I'm threatening to be in a bad mood. I should be very happy! I have a Tiny Fridgy!! Plus, for the first time since January, I have been able to get into the SK Archeive, so I can finally begin working on that, something I have not been able to do ever, since WSFTP hates me.

Gotta go. Maybe if I go excercise, I'll feel better. Some people say that helps.
Faith Manages. I wonder if I can get a gif of the rune for trust...

7/14/Sa/01

10. Here, subject, subject...

Same problem I have with email. I can't think of a subject half the time.

Well, I'll fill in things it might be good to remember. Shanin is my military visitor. sed and awk aren't languages. I still don't understand any more Perl. I met a lady at JCPenney's today who asked me for my site addy. Coolness! If she comes, I'll be impressed. How would I know if she comes? I don't have any kind of counter capability set up yet, so if she doesn't sign the gbook... oh, well. Not the point. It made me happy just to have someone ask.

I'll start another page. Another diary page. And have a diary index. 'Entries one through ten, click here. Entries 11 through 20, click here.' Etc. If sugar is bad when I'm on it, it's worse when I'm off it. ^_^

Well, since I will be adding no more entries to this page, I'll go ahead and put a link to the next page, but don't click on it just yet. If the Diary link from the Misc index brought you directly here, don't click it. But if this is much later, go ahead and go. Things will be set up.

Oh, I know what else I can say. And I know why I'm in an off-mood, and why things are dark, and all that. I finished reading, yesterday, the second book of the Babylon 5 Technomage Trilogy, 'Summoning Light', by Jeanne Cavelos. Dude, that is one hard book. Not hard to read: I read it in two days. But I should have taken three. When am I going to learn that anything B5 related is not to be rushed through? It's thick stuff. Difficult. Somehow, she writes it so you get really attached to the charactors, and then... well, in the words of JMS, the creator of B5, 'It hurts more when it happens to someone you like.' In this universe, bad things happen to good people, and don't get undone. It's more like life than, say, Star Trek. Don't get me wrong, I love ST as much as the next Trekkie (even though I have never dressed up as a Klingon for a con!!), but it's a stuff-and-fluff universe. Ever since Roddenberry died... JMS, don't you die! Just don't!

Okay, ending this. To go to the next diary page, click below.

Faith Manages.